Shart Attack

Quim, or Quimberley to give her/it it’s full title, is an entity that doctors have only been able to describe as a ‘baffling sub-species resembling the rotten fruits of a sexual disaster between a half-wit and a barracuda, and possibly also a Mr. potato-head doll’. She grew up, to an inadequate height with a hunched and potbellied physique, as a feral creature in the forests of Hampshire, living only on a diet of Carte Dor ice cream and bogies. She then spent most of her free time as an angst teenager, looking at dead bodies on rotten.com, dwelling in multi story car parks and scaring the elderly in the reduced section of Somerfield’s. Quim’s life changed dramatically one day whilst watching Art Attack, when she realised that her repugnant, fat, little sausage fingers had capabilities beyond scratching her fetid anus and nose picking (in that order), and could also be used to incorrectly grasp a Berol.

Upon completion of a course at Kickapoo College, she received a flattering character reference from a beloved tutor which read, “When I first met Quim I laughed a lot. Eventually I realised she was not wearing her clothes for a bet and that she simply had a bad case of poor taste disease. Over the next 2 years she worked extremely hard to improve herself, despite this she failed. I was left wondering if she would ever make it in this world with such a disability.” This somehow allowed her to further her education at the renowned, ‘National Institute of Phallus Illustration’ in Southampton. Here she met an equally disgusting, blood-soaked and frequently incontinent individual called Jake and they decided that they aught to stick together after having been told that ‘they were lucky to have found each other’ by a thoroughly bemused and ever so slightly frightened owner of an Indian restaurant, whom had assumed they were wearing fancy dress outfits. They weren’t.

Unfortunately for it’s inhabitants the pair now reside in North London, spending the majority of their free time drawing repulsive things that nobody understands, refreshing their news feeds on ‘Facebook’, and ensuring that their pat rats remain thoroughly obese.